Your cat is funnier than you might think. Here are 10 funny quotes about cats from Jinx, a former alley cat from Stephen Spotte’s imaginative new novel, A Conversation with a Cat.
1. “I’m a cat and sleep about twenty hours out of every twenty-four. Getting down to it I’m probably not the one to ask how boredom should be defined.”
2. “I lived for a time in an alley outside a college dorm and cafeteria. That might have been the most boring dumpster I ever frequented. Most nights there was nothing except pizza crusts and crumbs of marijuana brownies. At least you could keep a buzz going.”
3. “Evidently [T. S.] Eliot figured out something the rest of you haven’t, specifically that a cat who lives with humans typically has three names. The first is a sobriquet, or family name. Jinx in my case. The second name is formal, oozing class and sophistication. A Show Time name. Eliot suggested several including Munkustrap, Quaxo, Coricopat, and Bombalurina. You obviously never considered giving me a second name, possibly because I’m an alley cat instead of a snooty purebred. For example a brown tabby in the American Shorthair division named Sol-Mer Sharif won the Cat Fanciers’ Association Best of Show in 1995. In 2006 the winner was a Blue Persian named Jadon Comefly With Me of Kenkat. In 2012 a chocolate spotted Ocicat named Wild Rain Let’s Dance of Dotdotdot took home the prize. But a former stray such as myself? Not a chance. What am I, chopped liver?”
4. “Humans and cats are merely the tangible products of history over which no individual has control. As the saying goes, you can’t pick your parents. What difference does it make who might have been your daddy? And Mommy hit the streets after weaning you? Get a life.”
5. “Sex is one thing, love another, but then don’t take the word of a female cat who loves only when in heat and then shares it freely. Female humans are apparently in heat year-around.”
6. “A cat often toys with a mouse; your bullies play cat-and-mouse with entire continents.”
7. “Cats don’t much notice a human’s looks. What matters to us is olfaction.”
8. I said, “The problem cats have with conservationists is their general failure to distinguish noble species from vermin. If you could just learn to do this all would be well.”
Jinx didn’t reply, then started to wash himself. “Ain’t going to happen,” he said between licks on his hind leg. “Don’t expect a cat to read a list of local Endangered Species and carry around a field guide to the birds. To us if it runs or flies it’s game.”
9. “What humankind has never known until now—right this minute—is that we cats absorb human knowledge through our anuses. You’re the first of your species to hear about it, so take a deep breath and feel special.” As Jinx said this he leaned against the back of his chair as a cat might when sitting in the catbird seat.
10. “Next you’re going to ask if we’re social creatures, aren’t you? Don’t answer. We aren’t. We’re asocial. We prefer to avoid each other except during mating season. The reason why you sometimes see bunches of stray cats is because they’ve gathered around a source of food: a dumpster, some garbage cans, people handing out kibbles. We’re there for the free grub, not to visit each other. We aren’t dogs for chrissakes.”